How to Make People Like You

by Nicholas Boothman

From the Audio Book Publisher

"How to Make People Like You (Unabridged)
Date: 25-JAN-2001
Narrator: Nicholas Boothman
Provider: Listen & Live Audio
Running Time: 3 h 10 min

Whether meeting a new client or bumping into a potential mate, you only have a few seconds to make a favourable impression. Is that really possible? Author Nicholas Boothman, a lecturer and licensed master practitioner of Neuro linguistic programming, believes yes! He introduces a revolutionary approach to face-to-face communication that will help anyone succeed at making meaningful, and immediate, connections."

Notes-for-Editing

Universal principles for establishing rapport

Attributes and body language are paramount

Tone of voice

A few well chosen words

Bandler and Grinder - NLP

• Art and science of personal ???
• Irresistible language patterns

Making People like you in 90 seconds or less is a skill that can be taught

Part 1 - The First Contact

Chapter 1 People Power

If people like you they see the best in you.

We can not live without others

• Our cultural rituals
• We hope to connect
• Government, religion, TV

Benefits of connecting

• Personal growth
• Connect and live longer
• Connect and get cooperation
• Connect and feel safe
• Connected community provides safety

Connect and feel loved

• We are open systems
• We use the emotional input
• Face to face - we need love
• Verbal and non verbal cues

Why likeability works

• How you make people feel
• Loud and clear signals to be sociable
• Investing time to get to know each other
• Time is short
• Attention span is about 30 seconds

Command and hold attention

• Presence
• Attitude
• How you make people feel

Establishing Rapport in 90 Seconds

Chapter 2 - First Impressions

• Meeting - by chance or by choice
• Establishing Rapport
• Communicating

Meeting

• Sincere, safe and trustworthy

Greeting

• Open - attitude and body language - heart on
• Eye - first with eye contact
• Beam - smile with eye contact
• Hi - hello with breathing tonality - I am (name), say the persons name 2 or 3 times to imprint it into your memory
• Lean - subtly tilt forward
• Handshake - firm and respectful - or a hands free handshake in a presentation

Firing Energy

• Body, head, eye smile

Head - Logic

Heart - relational

Throat

Solar Plexus - power

Establishing Rapport

• Empathy, sympathy
• Positive acceptance
• D…
• Attitude
• Ability to synchronize
• Which is the main sense

Moving easily and quickly into rapport

Communicating;

• The meaning of communication lies in the response that it gets
• Being understood

Ultimate success Formula

1. Know what you want - positive, personal and present tense
2. Find out what you are getting
3. Change what you do until you get what you want

The Arena of Rapport

• Synchrony
• Voice Tone
• State
• Use connecting to get better information and more satisfaction

Part 2 The 90 Second Land of Rapport

Chapter 3

You need to establish rapport - to connect

• Sympathetic communication = rapport
•  
• Be like the person -> they will trust you

Natural Rapport

• Charisma, magnetism
• Emotional contact, influenced by feedback
• Align ourselves with the signals

Common interests -> rapport

• We are social animals
• Society conditions to set up the boundaries

Rapport by Chance - shared language for example

• Learn how to become like them for a very short time

Rapport by Design - This book is about this

Common Ground - eg a chance - hobbies

• Connect and establish relationship
• Proximity
• They are like each other
• Reduce the distance and differences
• Body language, tone of voice, breathing
• Synchronize actions, movements
• Attitude and appearance
• Ability to listen to other people

Chapter 4 Attitude is Everything

• Attitude controls the mind
• Mind delivers the body language
• Body plays the signals from attitude

Really Useful Attitude

• Make people feel you care
• Please the customer and do job well
• Send our the Really Useful Attitude
• Attitudes are infectious

Really Useless Attitude

• Hinders getting the job done
• Know what you want
• Not what you don't want

Imagination is Stronger than Willpower

• It distorts reality - it is your choice
• Projects sensory pictures in your mind
• Imagination distorts reality
• Feed better information to the imagination

Attitudes are yours to choose

• Choose an attitude that is really useful, gain rapport
• Get the other person to like and understand you

• Attitude sets the tone - attitude precedes you

Assume a Really Useful Attitude

• Your attitude precedes you
• Feel a really useful attitude
• Eg warm, curious, engaging,

Memory triggers could be an action

Eg a clenched fist

Breathe into the abdomen

Close eyes and imagine the event in vivid detail

Sharp - fuzzy

Black and white or colour

Step into the picture

Notice the sounds and the directions they come from, what kind of sounds, tone, resonance, quality

Physical sensations - air temp, clothing, sitting, feelings inside your body,

Move your concentration

Smells and tastes

Make the picture brighter, bigger, sounds louder, feelings stronger

Double the sensations, and double the feelings again

Clench the fist - recall the sensations

Now relax

Breathe gently

Test the feelings associated with the tight fist

Trigger the feeling of the Really Useful attitude with the tight fist

Identify really useless attitudes that almost guarantee failure and frustration

Know what you want, your attitude will change, focused and positive

Take on a cheery attitude

Signals

Chapter 5 Actions do speak louder than words

First impressions are powerful

Image and appearance are important

How do you present the likeable parts

Body language

• Facial gestures, nod
• Clenched fists - open palms
• Heart is at the heart of it all - the centre of feeling, mood and emotion

Open and Closed body language - open closed heard

• Open body language - exposes the heart
• Show trust, say yes, cooperation
• Contradictions slow the development of rapport
• Open coat or jacket
• Slowly reaching out
• A strong heart connection - hug
• Point your heart at their heart
• Move forward in your chair

Closed body language

• Resistance, frustration
• Defensive Crossed arms, hide the heart
• Hands clenched
• Avoiding eye contact and turning body sideways

Smaller gestures - hand gestures - combine with expressions, etc

Open smile

Eye contact - glance

Nod of head to indicate an answer is expected

Practice a look of recognition

Flirting - letting someone know you like them and...

Eye contact

Congruity

Actors display congruity

Believability depends on consistency of communication

• 55% visually
• 38% vocal sound
• 7% verbal

Body language and tone of voice send more message than the words

• Gestures are the true indicators of the message
• To be trusted - we must demonstrate trustworthiness and congruence

Mixed Messages

Displaying trust worthiness

• Arms unfolded, jacket opened - open heart
• Palms slightly upward
• Gestures not congruent with the words - believe the gestures
• Body, tone and words in alignment
• Have a really useful attitude

Watch for incongruity in others, is something out of alignment

A survival instinct - recognize the incongruence - first impressions are paramount

Sarcasm - words said with conflicting tonality

Exercise in Congruity

Say with anger, boredom, surprise, flirtatiousness

• It's late

Gestures, voice tone and words must agree otherwise people believe the gestures

Being yourself

• Nervousness and excitement are similar
• Slow down and be more deliberate, imagine your nostrils are near your navel and breath from there
• Change to a really useful attitude
• Don't try too hard
• Don't be over eager, over polite, patronizing,
• Project the likeable parts of your personality
• Your attitude precedes you

Chapter 6 People like people like themselves

Families are often alike. Dressing the same. Growing up with harmonious behaviours. Like father, like son. We use instincts to learn from parents, and their gestures

Natural synchrony

• We have done this since birth.
• Teens conform to what is cool
• We thrive on influencing others and they to our behaviour
• We transmit our emotions
• This is why people like and trust people who are just like them

There is sometimes natural dislike and sometimes, natural rapport

• You shared something - things in common, tastes, hobbies, sports

• I (am) like you. - we like people who are like us - familiar
• Similar interests - > basis for rapport
• People are comfortable when surrounded by people who are like themselves

Rapport by chance

• The art of synchronizing - establish rapport by design - in 90 seconds
• Mirroring and matching, body positions, tone, rhythm, tone of voice, dress - having a better time.
• Discover the structure of synchrony - the 3 Vs Visual, Vocal and Verbal to connect with other people - this puts the other person at ease - make them comfortable - a connecting device to other people our greatest resource. Like a plug adapter - an adapting device
• Making the other people open and relaxed. Rowing a boat together

Know what you want

Match the tone and expression, gestures - synchronize respectfully

Approach with a really useful attitude of warmth

Use similar words

Connecting and developing rapport

The Bully - Mr. Szabo

• Synchronized the mood and mannerisms, tone,
• Paul gradually calmed down, and led Mr. S to the desired outcome

When encountering a difficult person

• Do I need to deal with this person?
• If yes - know what you want, synchronize in a non-threatening manner

Shy people

• Be patient, slower, quieter, synchronize any little thing, start soon
• Increase the common ground
• Synchronize many aspects - speak the same way

Doing what comes naturally - Dave and the birthday present

• The computer store and the art gallery

Synchronizing attitude - multiple congruity

• Location and mood
• Pick up on the feeling, breathing, overall mood from the voice

Synchronizing body language

• The easiest thing to synchronize
• Matching
• Mirroring

Hand and arm movements - a little at a time

• Body posture - overall attitude of the body
• Overall body movements - gently mirror or match them, leaning, walking and turning

Head tilts and nods

• The angles carry the message
• I hear you, I see what you are saying

Facial expressions

• Reflect these back
• Fleeting, direct or coy

Breathing

• Fast or slow
• High, low or in abdomen
• Is soothing and comforting to the other person

Rhythm

• Tap foot - pat thigh, beyond conscious awareness

Exercise in Synchrony with 3 people

• Synchronize for 30 sec
• Break synchrony for 30 sec
• Synchronize for 30 sec
• Break synchrony for 30 sec
• Rotate the roles and compare notes

Leading - EG one leads and tests to see if rapport exists. Lean back, cross legs - what does the other person do. Alter vocal tone - see if in rapport. Retry if not s

• Synchronizing voice
• Attitude is displayed
• Tone - conveys emotions
• Volume - quiet or loud
• Speed - quickly or slowly
• Pitch - does the voice go up and down.
• Rhythm - flowing or disjointed
• Words - use a persons preferred words (VAK)

Part 3 Secrets of Communication

Chapter 7 - It is not all talk it is listening too

Conversation time

• Talking and listening
• Asking questions and actively listening.
• How shall I start

What matters to the other person

• Small talk - the hunting ground for rapport
• Stop talking and start asking
• Open and Closed questions - know which is which
• Open questions require an explanation
• Closed questions - yes no

Begin with a statement about the location or occasion.

Open question - how well do you know him

Use opening up words

• Open question
• Who, what, where, wen, why,. How
• Other person starts talking and opens up.

• See, tell, feel - sensory specific words
• Closing down words - are you, do you, have you - 1 word responses.

Chance Encounters

Use the commonalities, hi, hello, courteous, light

More specific opening lines, opening questions, occasion, location statements

Examples

Where are you from?

I have never been there what is it like?

How long have you lived there?

How long will you be travelling there?

Have you stayed here before?

What brings you here?

What did you think of the keynote speaker?

Can I get you a coffee?

Why did you pick this movie?

What is your favourite event here?

Give the other person about 3 chances to react.

Free information

EG from a stranger - requested in the proper way

EG you say your name first - add information tags with your name

First offer information, them build momentum

Missed Cues

• Know what you want - to say a few words and be friendly
• Pick up on the free information - end with a question
• Where, what and why

Active listening - the other side of the conversation coin

• Not the same as hearing
• Absorbing the facts and feelings, empathize where possible, eyes, body, head
• Paraphrasing - responding to feelings
• Give spoken feedback, and encouragement
• Physical feedback, nod agreement, move to edge of chair, heart pointed, look thoughtful

Give and Take

• Assume a really useful attitude, be curious
• Look for common interest, goals
• Fact to face - hunt for common ground
• Hold up your end of the conversation. Low key sense of humour.
• Be yourself, relax

Talk in Colour - painting word pictures of your experiences, Involve many of the senses

• Say how it makes you feel
• What you see and hear
• Sensory rich

Handling Compliments

• Thank you - EG it is nice of you to notice
• Enhance rapport - be sincere, eye contact and a pleasant tone of voice
• Avoid generalities and clichés, be specific - blue really suits you
• Take the trouble to go into detail - you handled that question without flinching
• Open, eye, compliment - specific and give the person a chance to response

Exercise in Tonality

• A pleasing tonality from the abdomen
• Breath and speak from the abdomen
• Low, rich, slower with less stress

Avoid the Pitfalls

• Interrupting
• One word answers
• Look at the person

Make yourself memorable

• A reason to remember - connection

How can I stand out

Lasting impressions

• What is memorable - physical, dress,
• actions, activities,
• image triggers,
• a handle, something

Chapter 8 Making Sense of our Senses

• really useful attitude - explanatory style
• positive style, positive response

Visual - 55% - what it looks like - picture

Auditory - 15% - sounds like - sound

Kinaesthetic - 30% - physical, feeling, touch - physical

Beyond Synchrony and Rapport

• be inspired by the sight, sound, touch or combination

Visual - concerned with appearances

Sensory preferences

Send messages on the other persons sensibilities

Tuning in to sensory preferences

• communicate on their wavelength
• figure out the modalities

Visual - speak - change your approach to get the results

• Look good
• Sound good
• Be flexible

Metaphorically Speaking

• Involve sight, sound, feeling
• Containers for ideas
• Explain
• Make things more interesting
• Fire up the imagination

Sights and Sounds

• Appeal to the other sensibilities

Chapter 9 - Spotting the Sensory Preferences

The initial cues to sensory preferences

TV Talk Show - give aways - where people are themselves

• Pace
• Tonality
• Dress

Sensory Preference Profiles

Matches and Mismatches

• Patterns of sensory preference
• Primary
• Secondary
• Shared preferences

Verbal cues - the type of words people use

• Pushing for more
• Do you like
• Why, anything else?

Visual words - Look more clearly

• Picturesque words, perspective, visualize, talk in vivid colours, analyse, glimpse
• Portray, look more clearly, night an day
• How do you see it, sight for sore eyes, it is a bit hazy, a colourful character
• Shed some light, glimpse, portray, beyond a shadow of a doubt

Auditory - tune in, amplify

• How they click, announce, clash, call to mind
• Resonance, utter, open your ears, chime,
• Sounds familiar, loud colours, proclaim, word for word
• Voice an opinion, a satisfactory account, tongue tied, tell me how, as clear as a bell

Kinaesthetic - physical words

• Tap into emotions, build a foundation, get a handle
• Boils down to, make contact, warm, concrete touching words
• How do you feel about that, slip through the cracks, I have a hunch
• Hang in there, let's explore, under handed
• A few stumbling blocks, get a load of this, a pain in the neck

Eye Cues

• Dream - up and to the right
• Telephone, secret - left or right
• Look away to generate the feeling
• Consistent reference to one sense displays a preference
• Lead to proactive eye

Left - remembers

Right - construct

Eyeballs activate the sensory channels

Fix Eye motion - stop inner dialogue

The Big Picture

• Identify the sensory preference
• Connect on the most appropriate sensory preference
• Pay close attention to the other person

Connect

• Adapt a really useful attitude
• Synchronize body language and voice tone
• Use open Question - dig for clues
• Pick up the clues to preferred sense

Chapter 10 - Putting it all together

The more you act upon what you learn here, the easier it will become

Connecting with other people - the greatest resource

Rapport - naturally or by design

Actively more people are oriented …

• The primary way

Communication is the response you get

Basic template for greeting someone

• Open - point your heart
• Eye
• Beam
• Hi
• Lean

Handshake

Choose your attitude

Attitude - Really useful attitude - welcoming, look sound and use welcoming words

Body language - open and closed

• Synchronize for rapport, body language, voice tone, actions, gestures
• Make them feel comfortable

Questions

• Open -
• Closed
• Feedback

Speak colourfully

I like you - I am like you

Talk in colour - vivid

Sensory puzzle VAK?

• Visual
• Auditory
• Kinaesthetic

Be proactive rather than reactive

Watch the people, more closely

Have a really useful attitude

• Attitude - Really Useful Attitude - precedes you - most important
• Synchronizing - part of our natural make up, start synchronizing right away
• Conversation - encourage the other person to do plenty of talking -
• Sensory Preferences - conversation allows you to pick up more clues, suddenly the clues become clear, sensory preferences unfold

How can you improve your relationship at home and at work

Use the tools more, be more sincere, generate empathy, recognize sensory preferences

Assuming Rapport

• Assume you like the person, assume you need the person
• Make useful assumptions
• General -
• Distorted information - imagining
• Generalizations and assumptions - one frying pan is like another
• Imagination might run the show and add false assumptions

Useful assumptions

• Assume rapport and trust,
• Assume others will give benefit of doubt
• Assume the material will work
• Assume you will make a difference in the lives of others
• Assume a connected community, connected, cooperative, safe and involved

The parable of the high school job seeker

• Change the way you look to get a job - what do you really want

Conclusion

• About connecting with other people - our greatest resource.
• When other people like you, they see the best in you.

Last modified 21/01/2006